As the moon continues along her waning path, my thoughts, as is my wont during this phase, turn toward banishing--not in its pure sense, but rather, as I've described before, jettisoning that which is no longer of service to me or my journey. It is hard to discern, sometimes, between releasing and casting aside. Because I am of the mind that there are no mistakes in life, and believe that everything I encounter or collect (usually not recognized in real-time) is a vital thread woven in the fabric of my life; I try to remain conscious of not ridding myself of something or someone, but rather selecting a different path by which to travel. Sometimes the detachment is gentle, and a natural progression to the culdesac of a choice played out to its end. Other times, there is a rip in the universe, wrenching emotions and muddling thoughts like a tornado touchdown.
I watched the moon this eve--even at 9PM she hung low in the sky, orange like a new moon, so unlike the slightly whittled full moon I expected to admire. Does she wear the veil of sadness to mirror my own state of mind? Although somewhat relieved, I am also burdened by the fresh wound of a client's stupid rashness, actions which necessitated my resignation as their vendor. I've done it before, but this has a feeling of finality to it. I was vindicated somewhat, but the situation remains unchanged. I recognize that I grieve as would be expected with a loss of this calibre...wait, actually, the loss itself is not great--I grieve the loss of what I MIGHT have had--there is a difference. I suppose, as with a select group of experiences, I hang onto what I want, rather than admit to myself the stark truth.
I remind myself to breathe through this challenge. I know that I am armed with an arsenal of qualities, talents, spiritual assistants, and time, to be able to find the silver lining that this apparent loss brings. I consider that from an angel's point of view, there is no need to worry. Were I a constant inhabitant of the realm of spirit, I would tend to agree--but I am wearing a human form--and in my sphere, blessings must be actively sought. It is not my first impulse--but I think that I am getting better at reminding myself to slow down and consider from an alternate point of view, lest I shred my ego and heart as seems to be so natural a reaction. I quip silently, "this too shall pass," hoping that I can believe it. Still I suffer...but I try to remain hopeful--and for now, that is enough to keep me going.
I have decided that I too often play, or adopt. the role of victim. I am so right, that I stay stuck. Being right doesn't do much if I am isolated. Who will know I am right if I am all by myself? I cannot hope to embrace higher forms of thought if I wallow in self-pity. So, while I have yet to determine how it is that I am to rise above my base behavior--I tend to trust my gut that surely the first step must be acknowledgement. As I find myself making excuses for losing my focus, I glimpse my self-victimization. It is not pretty, and it is my least attractive attribute. But, as Dr. Phil so eloquently puts it, "you cannot change what you do not acknowledge," and that feels right. I still remember a time that I had focus--but to the exclusion of all else. I seek balance in my life--I mean I really want a life. Why else travel all this way, go through the pain of living in human form, if not ultimately to attain some form of joy--beyond the fleeting momentary blip?
If spirit is in everything--then spirit is in me. If Godness is goodness, then I am good too. How can I embrace that? When casting circle, I raise energy and can glimpse, as if through a crack, the veiled universe. I don't want to die to understand everything...my hunger for knowledge remains unsatiated, but grows stronger by the day (and night).
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