Yesterday started off with a moon fully in Cancer--wet, wet, wet as could be. The previous night's shock still weighed heavy upon my psyche, and given my proclivity to channel the moon's potent energy, it is not surprising, albeit unwelcome, that during what seemed to be an innocuous conversation with my brother, that the REAL waterworks began. Seriously! I was discussing invoicing, good grief! I proclaimed, to no one inparticular, "I don't what the f**k I am crying about?!!?" The moment passed and I was restored unto myself. I mean, really, I believe, as I believe in nothing else so firmly, barring perhaps parenthetical phrasing, as in free will. It does not always come immediately, or without complaint or discomfort, but I try as best I can to conform my actions in such a manner as to venerate that tenet. How more glaring is this violated in the case of the murder of Emmett Till in the 50s--why that came to mind is beyond me, but well, it wanted to get out apparently.
At any rate, back to the adherence to free will: I have met with either live conversation, or written posts in which poor souls admit that they do things which they believe to be "nice," for the sole purpose of getting others to like them, or some such. I am saddened for these people. Saddened that these people believe they actually need to bribe another to like them, or whatnot. Saddened that these same folk believe that they can control another--and mostly saddened that they feel the need to get another's approval. There will never be enough approval from someone outside of yourself to fill that hole to whole. And that is beyond sad--that is tragic. The kind of actions which are specifically designed to gain a particularly desired reaction from another are exactly that type of violation of free will that I guard against. I've had people ask me to cast a spell on another to "make him love me," or others say, "I wish I knew witchcraft so that I could get everything I wanted." I do not respond. It's not that there IS no response, but I also believe that "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Not all utterances to which I might retort require a response from me...now. What the majority of the population doesn't know is that they are practicing magic everyday...they just aren't aware of it. In some cases I actually thank the Spirits that people are unaware of their own power--for the things that fall out of mouths during unguarded moments are quite dismaying. I say my quiet dissipations, and move along. At other times, I yearn for someone to understand just how much they can affect--even by uttering a few words...but I am not here to guide another lest they ask. I cannot, and will not, control another. It is just for that reason that I must also simply let go of some "relationships." I had done so, somewhat, 21 and 18 years ago respectively. I am not to be pummeled, although I certainly have been--often and by many--but there is just so much with which one can deal at any one moment in his or her own life. I had to choose my poison, apparently, well...atleast, that's what I did. Having ventured forth to rekindle even a mild connection to someone who shares part of my DNA, I had to be prepared to be rebuked. I was not. But I have to learn to move along. One cannot choose their blood family--and well, sometimes you get thrown into the same gene pool with people with whom you cannot get along, or vice-versa. This is apparently true for me in a couple of instances. Oh, well....I tried. I tried many times--I thought a bit of distance through the fabric of the space/time continuum might have made a difference. Alas, as some have said before me: it is not time that heals, but what you do with that time. For those who harbor deeply entrenched resentments, with a similarly hardened heart--determined to learn nothing and to remain blissfully mired in their own counsel (not so unfamiliar to me, so I can commisserate!) what can be done? What I choose to do is exclaim, c'est la vie. It is not done joyfully, but I will not attempt to control another--I can only control me--and even that is suspect!
The moon entereth her sliverest crescent. I hand over to her waning strength that which I would have dissipate. Go light into the dark; travel into the mystery of renewal with all of the grief and sadness and other heavy-hearted grief of mortal humans. Extinguish the pain encountered along my travels, lighten my burdens as you turn away from view. Go, go...return and renew.
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